When it comes to people and their pets, the obsession, the fascination, and, in some cases, utter fanaticism rivals that of parents and their children. Whether it’s in regard to Fluffy or Foo-Foo, pet-obsessive owners can easily fall into long conversations filled with talk of their canine’s recent bout with doggie depression, or the reasoning behind their feline’s preference of wet to dry food.

And, now that seemingly every celebrity and wannabe alike has a furry friend, it’s easy to understand the corresponding amped-up marketplace for over-the-top, luxury pet products and services. We’re not just talking a Tiffany collar, or Swarovski-encrusted water bowl. And this product guide is only the tip of the iceberg:

Ritzy Canine Carriage House ($40-$175 a night)
The Ritzy Canine Carriage House, located in Midtown NYC, is exactly what your dog-friend needs when you can’t be there for the little guy. Because we couldn’t make this up, here is what’s promised, in their own words:
“All guest suites have customized orthopedic bedding and are lined with soft, plush bumpers for added comfort and protection. Plush fabrics have been specially selected to provide aesthetic beauty and to complement the theme of each of the suites… Our Presidential Suite on the upper level provides a larger and more private accommodation for those of our guests that require the ultimate in opulence and luxury. These suites all have magnificent custom bedding, toy chests filled with all kinds of stimulating toys, televisions, VCR's and special selections from our video library.”
The Presidential Suite costs a flat rate of $175/night while the rate for regular suites varies according to your pet’s size. They also have room service and massages available for purchase. Cats get a luxury suite for (a measly) $40/night.

MetaMorphix DNA Test Kit ($71.95)
A company called MetaMorphix Inc. sells a kit to test your dog’s DNA and determine what kind of pedigree he has. It will identify up to five different breeds that are currently fighting for distinction in your pet’s blood. Please use with caution, though, as this test might depress your pet by forcing him to come to grips with the reality that he has a mixed-breed past. (But coming to terms with that identity might also spur a literary career.)

BowLingual: The Dog Bark Translator ($49.99)
Every wonder whether your dog is barking because he’s hungry, or because he’s trying to tell you your girlfriend’s been cheating on you with your best friend? Unlock the secrets of the seemingly unidentifiable canine language with this handy translator. Hey, for $50, it may also be the ideal gift for any dog lover you know. Now the real question is, can you handle the truth?

Barkington Inn ($5 and up)
The Barkington Inn, operating in Texas, has taken Big Brother and made him the ward of your pet while you’re away. Their deluxe suite package includes a cyber-cam that broadcasts a live feed of your pet to the Internet that you can watch any time you want. They can also arrange for playtime ($5 for 15 minutes, $10 for 30) in the special play area to be broadcast at a pre-arranged time. Some might think it’s weird to pay to watch a stranger play with your dog for a half-hour, but we’re not judging.

K9 Optix Sunglasses ($22)
Sunglasses. For your dog. They come in three different colors, all with UV-protection. Finally.

Catnip Cigar ($6.50)
Dogs can live large, but they will never live as large as cats. This toy proves that all cats really want to do is kick back, roll up a fattie and have you entertain them. The fortunate corollary to the cat ‘cigar’ is that your pet will express new interest in vintage cars, gold, and ‘40s.

Pet Cloning (Prices Vary)
You might have heard of the cat Cc (for carbon copy) that was “born” a few years ago by the company (owned by Phoenix University founder John Sperling) Genetic Savings and Clone in California. You also might recall the public-relations nightmare that ensued. Well, the bank has since closed up shop, but the pet-clone torch has been lifted high once again by this brave company whose website might be one of the sketchier we’ve come across.
Although there is no way for you to recreate your pet’s behavior you can still do your damnedest to assert some control in this crazy world by paying to have your pet’s genetic material live on in another body. Let bioethicists and Humane Society members whine all they want while you have an exact genetic replicate of your deceased pet lovingly watching your every move.

~Greg Greenberg