With last month's opening of IKEA Brooklyn along the historic Red Hook waterfront, the Swedish Invasion has officially landed in NYC. New Yorkers are flocking to the store in search of myriad ways to spend their Economic Stimulus checks. Keeping this newfound wealth safely inside our own shores is akin to bailing out a sinking ship, and the masses have spoken–- choosing to purchase their bargain furnishings and assorted brick-a-brac from across the sea.

If you're planning on heading to IKEA, know that this is no ordinary shopping event-– and plan accordingly to alleviate your shopping stress. Though buffing up on your Norse Mythology will probably help you determine the difference between a Flärke and a Flört and make you a hit with anyone over 6’2”, it’s not required reading. Instead, read below for psychoPEDIA’s crash course in all things IKEA:

Before You Go:
First, everyone in your travel party needs to be prepared that this journey will profoundly impact the relationship you have with your fellow company. Whether it will further cement a bond or require extensive counseling afterwards is left to fate. Next, it’s important to take a lesson in translation. “Caveat Emptor” is Latin for “Buyer Beware.” IKEA is Swedish for “fragile.” Sometimes you get what you pay for, and in the case of IKEA, you’re getting affordable furniture that will look great in your current apartment, but will proably wind up broken on the sidewalk if you ever try to leave. Think of it as a starter-kit on your path to adulthood. After all, repeat customers are the lifelines of any good business, and for fantastic prices, you have to expect risks. Now that you know what you’re getting into, it’s time to decide what to buy. Pouring over the catalog prior to the onslaught is arguably the most important preparation. You’re not only establishing a shopping list and budget, but steeling your resolve and knowing your enemy.

Getting There:
Red Hook is somewhat of a New York aberration, given the fact that it isn’t easily accessible by public transportation. But IKEA is smart. Not only does it know you’re coming, but it’s made arrangements to get you there. The Water Taxi departs from Pier 11 in Lower Manhattan from 10:30am to 9pm daily and runs every 40 minutes. Between 10am and 10pm, shuttle buses run every 15 minutes from the 4th Ave/9th St and Court St/Borough Hall Stations directly to the store. Both services are free. There’s no sneaking up on this lumbering behemoth, so why not take the bait and fall in line with the rest of the huddled masses.

When You’re There:
Take the store map. Study it. Memorize it if you can. It is your safety valve, providing vital escape routes. It’s all that stands between you and an 8-hour ordeal fraught with endless wandering. Once you ascend the escalator, you have entered the fray. The store’s layout is equal parts brilliant and insidious. It is specifically designed so that you lose yourself in its serpentine pathways. You start off on the 2nd floor, an entire level above the exit, with no noticeable windows to the outside world. This maximizes your time inside the store by ensuring you drag yourself through every inch before you can leave. The catalog has come to life, and it wants to waylay you at every turn. Don’t be lulled by its numerous enchantments and lose your focus. If you want to see particular pieces on display before buying, go directly to those areas, utilizing the shortcuts when possible. This way, you navigate through the store more quickly, while simultaneously avoiding temptation of the impulse buy.

Getting It Home:
You’ve traversed the obstacles that beset your voyage from the outset-– long lines, fake bathrooms, and one too many Cinnamon Buns. But you’re still left holding a large bag or cart full of boxes-– the sum total of your efforts, and hopefully some things you can sit on or put other things in. However, the cruelest ruse of the day is finding adequate transport to get it all home. You’ve come too far to give up, so choke back urges to dump your booty in the East River and cheer up, for IKEA provides. Smaller items can be delivered outside of Brooklyn starting at $49, while bigger pieces begin at $89. It’s best to talk to one of the store’s employees to schedule times and get a full explanation of fees. If you have trouble following directions or aren’t very adept with tools, assembly services are also available. Alternatively, if you’re a do-it-yourselfer, IKEA has partnered with U-Haul to provide discounted rates on trucks. A 2-hour rental costs $9.95 and a $1 per mile. Call from one of the courtesy phones located near the checkouts and ask about insurance, as this may add to the total price. Sure you’ve fought the good fight and lost your innocence along the way, but now you can leave in peace.

~Scott Lachut